Query Letter: First Do No Harm: A PI Mystery Written by a Private Detective

Elizabeth Breck has a step up on most of us writing PI fiction: she’s an actual private detective who’s walked that path. Maybe that’s why critics have raved about her books. In Anonymous, her debut mystery, PI Madison Kelly comes home and finds an ominous note on her door: “stop investigating me, or I will hunt you down and kill you.” To protect herself, Kelly has to do the opposite: find out who left the creepy warning without triggering their homicidal inclinations. All the while, she’s been casually looking into the disappearance of two young women featured on a true crime podcast.  Kirkus Reviews called Madison Kelly “[a] brave heart that deserves a sequel.” Breck gave us that sequel in Double Take, which was nominated for the prestigious Sue Grafton Memorial Award.

Before selling Anonymous, Breck pitched and won an agent for a different Madison Kelly book, First Do No Harm.  She also shared some useful statistics. Breck sent out about 60 queries and got about 30 rejections, as well as several full requests, before securing representation. It’s important to remember that virtually no one (the lucky and talented Scott Blackburn aside) gets an offer on their first go round. So don’t give up after your first or fortieth rejection. Every time Breck heard no, she immediately sent out two more queries. Her perseverance paid off.  

Breck also wanted to give a shout out freelance editor Kristen Weber, who edited her query, first five pages, and synopsis. No matter how great your manuscript is, you still need a good submission package to get your foot in the door. If you can afford an editor, and (like me) you suck at self-promotion, it’s not a bad idea.

Breck was kind enough to share her query for First Do No Harm, which is confident, clear, and puts her unbeatable credentials for writing PI fiction front and center:

Dear ___________,

Finally, a murder mystery about a female private investigator—written by an actual female private investigator. I am the real Kinsey Millhone. 

I am a state of California licensed private investigator. I’ve just completed the first novel in The Blonde P.I. Mystery Series, the 71,000 word First Do No Harm, which also stands alone. A mystery that is written lyrically while keeping a suspenseful pace, it features a female protagonist who is flawed yet brave; she has the cynicism necessary to be a good investigator—but still believes in the power of hope, a theme of the novel itself. Madison Kelly has some of the world weariness of Harry Bosch and the loner mentality of Jack Reacher, but with a poetic quality to the writing. Madison Kelly is someone new and unique; readers will buy the next book in the series because they want to continue the journey with her.

Thirty-something P.I. Madison Kelly is struggling to make her rent in La Jolla, California, an increasingly gentrified but still charming surfer town. She is being run out of the insurance investigation business by the big investigation firms, not to mention the old-boy P.I. network that doesn’t accept women in their ranks. In an effort to branch out, Madison takes her first murder case: a young man accused of killing his father and brother in yet another inexplicable multiple-victim shooting. The 18-year-old’s mother believes he couldn’t have done it, and hires Madison to find out who did. Madison thinks the evidence looks damning; nevertheless, she vows to presume he is innocent—but chase the truth no matter where it leads. Did he commit this crime? Why would a young man kill people he loves? Furthermore, why is this type of violence increasing in our society? Her usual confidence with a splash of arrogance is shaken as she clashes with suspects as well as the homicide detective who’s been infatuated with her for years. Nevertheless, she knows if she just “pulls every string to see what comes up” she can count on her investigative skills to get to the bottom of a case that becomes bigger—and reaches farther—than anyone imagined.

Set in San Diego, the book is a valentine to the “birthplace of California”; Craftsman houses, surfer culture, and coffee houses infuse the action of the case. Madison’s home at Windansea Beach in La Jolla is especially highlighted, an area made famous during the surf culture heyday of the 1960’s. Most importantly, readers are introduced to a new heroine—this time written by an actual female private investigator who has lived what she is writing. I was licensed as a private investigator in 1998, after performing the required six thousand hours of apprenticeship under another P.I. license, and then passing the state exam that 80% of participants fail. After running my own business for years, I returned to school and graduated summa cum laude from UC San Diego with a BA in writing in 2015. As a lover of murder mysteries, I’ve written a book that I would like to read—but this time with the P.I. and her activities accurately depicted.

Kind Regards,

Elizabeth Breck

Query Letter: A Party to Die For: A Successful Pitch from the Queen of Cheese Mysteries

There are two things that I’m unhealthily obsessed with – books featuring a corpse, and putrid cheese that smells like a corpse. Blame it on my French ancestry, but if there’s visible mold, you can count me in. So, imagine my joy at learning about Korina Moss’s Cheese Shop Mystery series.  Her delightful debut, Cheddar Off Dead, won the Agatha for best first mystery. The story follows Willa Bauer, who opens her own French-style cheese shop in Sonoma. Things are pretty picturesque until a cranky food reviewer is killed with one of her cheese knives. 

Before starting her award-winning series, Moss pitched A Party to Die For, a cozy mystery about a mom blogger investigating a party magician’s murder.  She was kind enough to share the query letter that led to three offers of representation:

Dear

I’m delighted that you liked my Savvy Author pitch for my 85,000-word cozy mystery, A PARTY TO DIE FOR. Connie Tillman is a mom blogger who investigates a party magician’s murder, while confronting Type-A soccer moms, her husband’s past affair, and her addiction to Little Debbie’s snack cakes. The manuscript also includes five of Connie’s humorous blog posts. It is intended as a series.

Connie Tillman is trying to live up to her popular mom blog, living in the idyllic college town of Five Ponds, Connecticut with her professor husband, Rex, and their four-year-old son. But she’d rather stay home with a family-sized box of Little Debbie’s than attend her son’s birthday party after Rex’s fleeting affair with a grad student is made public. Party gossip turns out to be the least of her worries when she tumbles out of Marvin the Marvelous’s trick cabinet with a murdered magician. When she inadvertently puts suspicion onto the wife of the college dean, it further jeopardizes Rex’s shaky position at the college. Connie investigates in order to clear both of their names, but when the magician’s body vanishes, she realizes the murder was not as it first appeared. Amid marital strife, committee disputes, and soccer mom squabbles, Connie closes in on the truth, but not before she becomes the killer’s final target.

I believe I am highly qualified to write a Mom Blogger cozy mystery series. For two years I wrote a humorous bi-weekly column for Patch (an online independent U.S. local news forum) about being a mom in our small town. I also have my own blog www.korinastake.blogspot.com with over 5,100 page views, where I write periodically about various topics. Most recently, my short story, Little Miss Cupcake, was chosen for Elm Book's Death by Cupcake anthology due out next spring. Past writing credits include a holiday short story, which won the Connecticut Christmas Classic Story Contest. The following year, I turned it into a short ballet, which was performed at the Bushnell Theater in Hartford. I also have a story in Chicken Soup for the Kids’ Soul. I am a member of Sisters in Crime.

I am attaching the first 50 pages, as requested, and I will be happy to send you the full manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Korina Moss

Query Letter: Devil’s Chew Toy: A Critically Acclaimed Quozy Mystery

Rob Osler exploded onto the mystery scene with his debut, Devil’s Chew Toy.  On top of making several best of lists, Osler’s charming “quozy mystery” was nominated for a Lefty, an Agatha, a Macavity, and an Anthony Award. The story follows Hayden McCall, a Seattle teacher who becomes an amateur sleuth when Camilo Rodriguez, a dancer he’s been crushing on disappears.  You can check out the book from a writer Kirkus called “[a] welcome new voice” here.

Next up on your reading list, the sequel Cirque Du Slay, coming March 5, 2024, which Raquel V. Reyes called “[c]ozy, queer, so much fun!”

Osler was kind enough to share the query letter that landed him a deal for Devil’s Chew Toy:

Dear _______,

DEVIL’S CHEW TOY is a traditional mystery featuring heroic gay and lesbian leads of diverse ethnicities. The story is a fast-paced, comedic adventure that takes place in Seattle, Washington.

Young, fun-sized, ginger Hayden McCall is a mild-mannered elementary teacher and part-time blogger. A night out at the club ends in a spectacularly unlikely place: a go-go boy’s bed. The next morning, there’s a knock at the door. The other guy, Camilo Rodriguez, has disappeared, and the police think Hayden is involved. Determined to clear his name and find the truth, Hayden returns to the club. He meets Camilo’s lesbian friends, Hollister, a take-charge, African-American furniture maker, and giant Burley Driggs, an eccentric stoner and master baker. Convinced the police won’t take a brown boy's disappearance seriously, Hayden's new friends join the search. When clues lead to Barkingham Palace, a marvel of a pet store, and then to an airport warehouse filled with space-age shipping containers, the unlikely threesome knows they’re getting close. Too close. The stakes are raised when someone nabs Hollister. If Hayden is to save his friends, he’ll have to muster the courage to take on an enemy that plays to kill.

For character and genre comparables, imagine the characters of a Janet Evanovich novel dropped into the good-hearted queer world of Armistead Maupin. The manuscript is complete at 74,000 words. Although the novel can stand alone, it also has strong series potential.

As a gay man who loves mysteries, I wrote the kind of book I want to read: a fun, fast-paced adventure with heroic LGBTQ characters. While this is my debut novel, my story, Analogue, is out now in the Jan/Feb 2021 edition of Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. I am a member of Mystery Writers of America, Inked Voices, and the Palm Springs Writers Guild. I have a BA in philosophy and an MBA from the University of Washington Foster School of Business.

In accordance with your submission guidance, the _______ of the manuscript is attached.

Kind regards,

Rob Osler